a list of slurs i can say
i fear i may have given you the wrong impression
I am, above all, a mercenary, and I am only a mercenary because I cannot be a whore1. I began writing here because I had ideas, mostly about movies, that I could not fit into tweet threads.
I hated it.
I have used some of those posts to con my way into job interviews, yes, but they were neither interesting nor a true expression of who I am: Someone who does not have ideas they cannot monetize, even if they fail to monetize them on a regular basis. Therefore, I have decided the time has come to produce Content which I can turn into cash, as I rot ingloriously in a three-bedroom apartment in Chicago, so thoroughly disconnected from my old haunt of Dimes Square before it was anything, bitter, old, beat down, dead.
Here is a list of slurs I can say2.
Faggot: A ripe peach of a word, which rolls off the tongue so easily, or some other gay shit. I am deeply proud of my faggotness and, like all faggots, deeply ashamed of your faggotness. Entire novels have been titled with this glorious word, this harbinger of bodily harm, this ode to sodomy. Truly, there are none like it.
Tranny: An ugly word. Diminutive, and insufficiently offensive on its own. What kind of tranny, exactly? That said it can provide spice to other phrases, like when my ex (fondly!) called my genitals “tranny pussy” in an Indian restaurant before realizing in the next moment that as an AFAB enby they had no rights to the word, and apologized profusely.
Bitch: The old standby, and so thoroughly reclaimed I consider it more a term of endearment. You bet your sweet ass I’m a bitch! Bitch please. Biiiiitch. Delicious. Easily uttered in one to three syllables, and can indicate imminent bodily harm just as much as friendly camaraderie.
Slut: A slur I am newly able to use, as I am entering a bonafide Slut Phase following my last breakup. As I jerk, suck, and fuck my way through the next few months I plan on applying this one as liberally as possible. Ladies and enbies, I’m single. Men, I am single and accepting donations, monetary or otherwise.
Hoosier: Not a slur but it should be.
Cracker: I’m unsure if it’s my white mother or black father that gives me the rights to this one, but I’ll say it nonetheless, usually in a joking context. Not much to say about this one. As bland as the namesake.
Cunt: I’m sure this will be the most controversial one, this, my most beloved of words, crown jewel of epithets, but as a woman I firmly believe I can say this, my own status of having or not having a cunt notwithstanding, and remaining none of your business. All I’m saying is it seems wrong that I can claim to be “serving cunt3” and yet unable to call Deborah, she of the four kids and vaguely transphobic breastfeeding posts, a “fucking cunt” for cutting in line at the weed dispensary.
Cave Bitch: Two words and technically not really a slur, but I’ve fucked enough white bitches to get to hypocritically call Deborah this on the internet.
Jigaboo: What Deborah will accidentally call me to her husband.
Shemale: Less a slur and more a porn category, this one I don’t hate but also don’t fully understand, as it mostly sounds like an alternate term for “female” and as such ought to be a compliment. Regardless, I can say it, but why would I ever want to?
A Boston Red Sox hat: Self-explanatory.
Pickaninny: Supposedly my favorite grandmother called me this, leading to my love affair with problematic fat white femmes. So if I’ve ever dated you I apologize, and you really ought to go piss on her grave instead of telling me I’m “toxic” because I accurately called you a rapist.
“Well you’d probably die first, you are a black trans woman?”: A real thing an ex told me. We dated again, twice more.
Retard: Alright look I have an ADHD diagnosis can I just say it please I won’t say it to disabled people just let me say it once please?
Nigger: Can’t read, and so cannot be offended by this post.
This is a slur I am not allowed to say. Please forgive my lack of manners. The fact that I have already lied to you, I will not apologize for.
If you read past the title and still need a content warning I’m sorry but the doctors have pronounced you legally dead.
I have never done this a day in my life. I am a brick until I am beaten to death with one. Oh, bonus slur!